


Contracts and Deadlines

by Yotsubadancesintherain5



Category: BoJack Horseman, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Character Study, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-02 01:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17878310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yotsubadancesintherain5/pseuds/Yotsubadancesintherain5
Summary: Even while on vacation Princess Carolyn has to fix a dire situation.





	Contracts and Deadlines

It was supposed to be a relaxing vacation and up until now it was, save for the fact that the heat of a Japanese summer made Princess Carolyn’s fur matted with sweat. She had missed her train and could not figure out the right one to go back to her hotel for the evening and her phone was dead. Bojack drained her phone battery by sending request after request to join some mobile game that he had latched onto.

“Even when you’re not here you can screw me over,” she muttered. She tapped her foot and put together a plan.

“Excuse me,” she said to a passerby, the Japanese clumsy on her tongue.

“I can help you,” someone else said in English, and Princess Carolyn was surprised to see a young girl rather than an adult.

“Yeah, I need help getting back to my hotel,” she said. She showed the hotel key to the girl.

“I can take you there,” the girl said.

“Hey, thanks, kid,” Princess Carolyn said. “You got a name?”

“Homura.”

“Homura,” Princess Carolyn repeated. “You’re pretty good at English.”

“I’ve had many years to practice.”

-

When the right train line was taken and the hotel was in sight, Princess Carolyn insisted on buying some dinner for Homura before she left for home.

“I actually want advice on something,” Homura said as they walked through the hotel. “You said you are an agent?”

“Manager, for our Hollywoo stars,” Princess Carolyn corrected.

“Is there a difference?”

“Yes, there is. So, what was the advice you wanted?”

Homura averted her gaze. “You may not believe it but there are magical girls in this world. To put it simply they fight Witches, but if their emotions become too much they become a Witch themselves. And the contractor for this, Kyubey, doesn’t disclose this information at the start. His species get girls to sign contracts all over the world.”

“I want you to help me revise the contract,” Homura added.

“Wow. I can tell you right now that that does not break the top ten weirdest things people have told me,” Princess Carolyn finally replied.

“I’ve carried this burden for a while,” Homura said.

“I can tell. So you want me to appeal to the good faith of this totally ethical contractor?”

“He has no emotion,” Homura replied.

“No emotion, huh?” Princess Carolyn asked. “So is he actually emotionless or is he trying to keep himself cool and collected like yourself?”

It wasn’t meant as an insult but Homura bristled and put a little more emotion into her next sentence.

“His species has no need for them,” she said, “But I’m sure we can break him down.”

“Now, now, we’re trying to argue for your demands,” Princess Carolyn said. “Keep the violent ideas to a zero.”

“Fine.” Homura tapped her finger to her chin. “Now we must find a secluded place so that he can show himself.”

“How about my hotel room?” Princess Carolyn asked.

“He might show his face there.”

“Good, it’s settled then,” she replied. “I’m sure I can get you out of that contract.”

“I just want it so that he will warn other girls about the dangers of being a magical girl.”

“All right, then.”

-

When they made it to the hotel room Princess Carolyn wrote up a revision of the contract and set up a mock office with two chairs facing one chair while Homura concentrated on finding Kyubey through the numerous threads of magical girl connections.

It took a long while but finally Homura said, “He’s here,” and Princess Carolyn went to the door and opened it; this Kyubey, shorter than her, strode in and took a seat opposite Homura. Princess Carolyn went to join them.

Princess Carolyn took a good, long look at this Kyubey. He looked like a bunny, but then a second glance brought up an image of a cat, and when she turned to look at Homura there was a strange look on her face, her teeth gritted and her eyebrows raised highly.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“He looks _weird_ ,” Homura replied and said nothing more because Kyubey reached out his hand. Princess Carolyn reached to shake it. It was clammy.

“You are here for a contract, yes?” Kyubey asked. “You are a bit… over the line for this job, but-“

“She’s not here for that,” Homura snapped.

“Is that so?” Kyubey asked Princess Carolyn. “I can give you-“

“No,” Princess Carolyn said, clipped and stiff.

In the silence she added with a light tone, “With my luck I’d be in labor on the Jersey Turnpike and end up having a demon child.”

Homura gave her a look, and Princess Carolyn coughed.

“I’ll cut to the chase,” Princess Carolyn said. “My client wishes for you to rewrite the information of the contracts you provide.”

“Whatever for?” Kyubey peered at Homura. “I do not remember providing a contract for this one.”

“It must be difficult for you to keep track of those you have lied to by omission.”

Kyubey turned his gaze to Princess Carolyn.

“It is best for our magical girls to focus their irrational emotions on their duties.”

“Teenagers,” Princess Carolyn said, exasperated. “It doesn’t matter if you’re the biggest boy pop star and everyone lines up to kiss your ass or if you’re the girl who lives by broth and gruel. They are a bundle of irrational emotions masquerading as ‘Everything is going peachy-keen for me.’”

Homura opened her mouth, thought better of it, and slouched in her chair.

“Yes, this is the object of our goal,” Kyubey replied. “These emotions are most potent in teenage girls, and as such their cycle of slaying Witches has staved off the heat death of the universe.”

“People have died, you _lying_ son of a-“

“Homura, please,” Princess Carolyn said, her tone even. Homura’s teeth clicked together and her gaze bore daggers into Kyubey.

“If these magical girls refuse to participate in this,” Princess Carolyn said, “Then the world will disintegrate, correct?”

“It is the rawest source to counteract entropy.”

“So your species is afraid to die, then?”

“It is merely a biological trait,” Kyubey replied but something wavered in his voice.

“I can tell you that the people of Earth, already knowing that they are going to die, do not like being told something is going to make it go faster,” Princess Carolyn said. “I pull a lot of strings for my clients, and I can surely whip up a media sensation about an alien invasion, hell-bent on corrupting our dear girls.”

“But… then you doom yourself!” Kyubey ended his sentence with a shaky laugh.

Princess Carolyn steeled herself, her shoulders pulled back, and she let a smooth and detached expression cross her face.

“It’s all in how you strike the media; to call ‘protect our girls from these blood-thirsty aliens,’ ‘think of the children,’ or ‘to hell with the heat death of the universe, we need to take down these parasites,’” she said. “If the people of Earth are going to die they sure as hell are going to drag down the other bastards with them.”

“We are irrationally emotional after all,” Homura said, poison lining her words.

Princess Carolyn did not scold her. “This symbiotic relationship is tipped too much in your species’ favor.”

She presented the revised contract and pointed at the guidelines.

“Our demands are simple,” Princess Carolyn said. “You’re going to disclose what Witches are before you make a contract. You’re going to have a thorough talk about what this job entails, and you will warn every girl about any Witches that disguise themselves as natural disasters.” 

“I can manage one of-“

“This is not a negotiation,” Princess Carolyn said, her voice carrying enough weight to terrify anybody, “You _will_ follow these guidelines.”

Kyubey was slack-jawed and Homura’s smile showed all her teeth.

“All right, all right.” Kyubey’s voice took on a feeble tone, a noise that Princess Carolyn was all too familiar with.

“Sign on the dotted line right there,” she demanded, and she relaxed back when it was done. “Now get the hell out of here. My client is sick of your stink.”

Homura’s laughter was positively gleeful when Kyubey left, with his head downward and his gait slow.

-

Homura left not long after, an actual skip in her walk, and Princess Carolyn let her have a business card before she left.

It wasn’t until Princess Carolyn was at the airport, a few days later, that she received a call from an unknown caller and she answered.

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Homura.” The voice was crackly through Princess Carolyn’s receiver.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite international client!” Princess Carolyn exclaimed. “How are you, kid?”

“Just fine. Kyubey got a classmate to do a contract, but she knows everything.”

“Well, that’s good.” There was something apprehensive in the reply.

“What is it?” Homura asked.

“Homura, by updating those guidelines,” Princess Carolyn said, “will the world really end if girls ran away from their contracts?”

The other line was quiet for a long while.

“Girls were already throwing themselves into the fray,” Homura said. “This just lets them really know what they’re getting into.”

“And if Kyubey doesn’t follow through?”

“You'll hear about a strange alien that showed up in Japan,” Homura replied.

And then, quiet, “Thank you. For helping me.”

“Oh, it isn’t the first time I’ve had to bail out my clients because of bad contracts,” Princess Carolyn said, a laugh building up in her voice. “I do have that compulsion to help people.”

There was no comment on the blasé reply or the self-deprecation.

“Usually I do not have time to make allies,” Homura said, a heaviness to her voice. “So thank you. Truly.”

The line hung up and Princess Carolyn looked at the unknown contact and the redness on the screen from the, “Call ended.” She realized right then that there was nobody to talk about the fact that she and a kid practically juggled with the fate of the Earth and all life upon the planet.

A grin grew upon her face as she rested a finger against her chin. But it would make a promising pitch as a movie.

**Author's Note:**

> Just something born from doodling Princess Carolyn doing the “You need to get your shit together,” speech to Homura. It kinda got away from me. Possibly featuring "a Homura that still has some idealism in her," and most definitely featuring "Kyubey would look really weird as an anthropomorphic animal."  
> Really just an indulgent thing since Princess Carolyn is my favorite character from Bojack.
> 
> There is also an Earthbound reference here.


End file.
